I’m beginning to realize something. It’s something that seems like it should be obvious, and perhaps it is. It’s something that the Been-There-Done-That-ers understand well.
This thing of figuring out the glucose level patterns, calculating insulin doses, recognizing the links between glucose cycling-insulin-stress-carbs-and whatever else… it ain’t science. Well, DUH.
See, I am an active seeker of knowledge and understanding. Those who know me well know that I tackle challenge by trying to learn everything I can about what I’m facing, taking it apart to analyze it, and putting it back together in a way that makes sense to me. It’s what helps me feel like I have some measure of control over my experiences. If I have some measure of understanding, then I don’t feel so much like a sitting duck.
And in the hours following Madeline’s diagnosis, there was no way in hell that I was about to allow her, or me, or my husband, or her siblings, to be sitting ducks to this thing called diabetes. So, for the past month, I’ve been scouring information where ever I can find it. I’ve been especially scrutinizing the data generated by the now countless antics of Pokey and the Meter. Is she high? Is she trending low? Why? WHY? Dammit, I am going to find out if it kills me.
But then the DUH moment came. Silly me thinking I could figure this out to a level that would allow me to feel like I get it. Because, I. Do. Not. Get. It. One plus one does not equal two in Diabetes Land. How will I ever learn how to reasonably control this monster– or better yet, teach Madeline how to do so–if I don’t get it?
I admire, even feel envious, of those who have reached a level of understanding of their child’s BG patterns to be able to make reasonable predictions about what will happen, and make helpful adjustments with that information. Maybe we’ll get there… but for now, I guess I need to get comfortable with the confusion, the frustrated WTFs, the hold-my-breath-while-I-test-for-the-low moments that come along with boarding the nonstop ride on the Glucose Roller Coaster.